(Sunday, February 04, 2007/11:33 PM)

Dear diary,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! AND ALSO TO MY TWIN BROTHER, AHMAD RIDHWAN. Hope I get ur name spelled right. And also to my NP fren Sharmin. SO old now, a BIG 2 in front. Wondered what does it feels to be 20. One thing for sure, to my daddy, Im still a baby! Ouh well!

I celebrated the night of my bdae with my colleagues. THANK YOU PEOPLE FOR THE LOVELY JEANS. How you guys know thats what I want? Hehe, actually got VERY BIG HINT from me right? Hehehehehehe! We ate at Newton and here are the pictures that we took.

Me and the levis taka staff

Me & my part-timers

Me & the guys

My 20th bdae pressie

We cant read the sign, educate us PLEASE!!!

The bdae girl. Dun wori, I dun drink!

The bdae wishes start to pour in. Really appreciate it guys. He msg me on 1130 hrs. So sweet. I thought he has forgotten about it. The other HIM called me on the stroke of midnite. Tats sweet. I was just expectin a msg from him, didnt expect him to call me. He even fetched me home. Save duit taxi aku!

The pressies came in, thanks guys. A big thank you to Lan for the nice Armani Exchange Tee and the pooh hp accessories. I love them to bits. Thank you for the dinner treat, the bowlin game. Macam tahu jer I sleep with Pooh. Well that Pooh has been with me since Im 18. Well, my Sakura frens bought for me also on my bdae. But lately its has been missin. Little did I know that it was at my brother's room. Takkan abg aku tido ngan Pooh aku kan. A big THANK YOU to my levis people for that wonderful jeans though I damn well know the price. A BIG THANK YOU to Dyla for that wonderful Chomel earrings. I love them. A big THANK YOU to Diyan for the lovely necklace. A VERY BIG THANK YOU FOR THOSE WHO WISHES ME. REALLY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME! APPRECIATE IT GUYS!

And to him,

thank you for the shirt. It was the first custom-made pressie I have ever had. And honestly, it touched me deep inside. So far, I have never had a custom-made pressie and really I was lost for words. And I knew that the cake was bought by you though it was smased by my irritatin cousin. Thank you. I managed to make my bdae wish. Wont tell you yet till it came true.

I spent my bdae with my cousins and him. Actually I was very very tired. And also I was very giddish. I dont know why myself. I guess the time when I came back from celebratin with my colleagues was 3am and didnt get enough rest. And also partly Im having the time of the month. Furthermore, two days of eating seafood. Too heaty that I got a very bad sore throat. So bad that whenever I tried talkin, it simply itch. Halfway through the night, I was very drained and practially worn out. People might actually think that Im drunk. I cant even walk straight. Reached home closed to 3 am again. Mummy was very pissed, as usual. She thought that her baby is doin all those night life activities. Little did she know what I aint that sort.

SIGH!!! I dunno where this will leads me too. Seriously. I hate him but at the same time I simply cant lied to myself. Honestly, I miss the fun and laughters we had, the joys and sorrows, those irritatin and small squabbles, those times of walkin by the beach, sittin by the sea. I miss those things we used to do together. I missed us holdin hands, feedin each other,those small little pecks, those long warmin hugs, I missed him carryin me in the arms. But at the same time, I dreaded thinkin of what had happened in the past. Seriously, I havent gotten over it. And honestly I havent forgive you. I hated for the fact when you curse, I hated when you swear, I hated when we fought over somethin which is so menial and so downright stupid, I hated thinkin of those long and stupid lies and denials. THOSE STUPID LONG FUCKIN EPISODES. I HATED AND DREADED THOSE FEELINGS. But somehow I dunno why it seems yesterday he was so sweet to me. So romantic towards me. It really makes me feel so special. But then, it seems like the whole past is still stuck at the back of my mind and really I cant forget it all though I try.

Like I said, I knew for a fact that it is dead, but somehow somethin in the past cant seem to make me forget about you. But then, its dead. Really dead. Lets just see where this will leads us to. God, give me strength.

I am sick. Very bad cough, very bad sore throat. Dont call me, you dun wanna hear my "sexy" voice. Msg me if you need me.

....Cee-Tee | 0 signing off...